Funny stuff

[stumper]

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
--------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

[stumper]

Bad Biker Pick-up Lines

Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fu*k.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. fu*k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

[stumper]

dildo shopping
Plaid Dildo

A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

[stumper]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[stumper]

Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."


"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."


The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"


On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"



The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[stumper]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she
wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, 'what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'Its Chuck, the midget!'

[stumper]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
> section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
> 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'
> says Gerry.
> The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
> Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
> truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
> At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
> 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
> He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps
> off the cliff.
> Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
> bottom, killing himself stone dead.
> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
> says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
> THERE'S MORE....
> Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
> He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
> carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
> 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
> He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
> He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
> Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
> parrot.
> Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
> breaks every bone in his body.
> Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
> either!'
> IT IS NOT OVER YET...
> Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
> appears.
> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
> which he pulls a chicken.
> Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
> and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
> Once more Paddy shakes his head.
> 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
> Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[stumper]

The gay man and the gorilla
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.

They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

They stand and watch him for half an hour.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

[stumper]

Chinese man rings his boss.

"Me no work, I sick." His boss responds, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that."

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

[stumper]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're

Supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
Your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
To two butts a day.'

[helmjama]

those are all pretty good im not going parrotshooting any time soon

[stumper]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!





(If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.)





Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car

break down in the parking lot.





The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from

under the chassis.





Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked

everything back into place.





She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.





The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[highsparks]

   Now thats a good woman.......

[toodeep]

good ones 

[ryan12]

looks like what stumper was going to do at lake andes